dang! im supposed to be studying but the weather is so fine and i'm so full from dinner and the bed is so inviting and the tv shows are so good and my msn list is so fine that i ain't studying.


alamak why is it that everytime you wanna walk away, you're already at the door ready to step out and away, you get stopped and you have to stop, because running away is not right, not noble? like this you tell me, how do you escape your problems?!


i wish this world wasn't so small. that singapore, too, wasn't so small. then i wouldn't have to worry about meeting you and trying to act like everything's normal when it isn't, because everything has changed. you have changed, i have changed and our mentalities are no longer the same, and it's so painfully pissing to be someone i am not anymore, just because neither you nor i can face up to change.


i want to wash my hands off you but i know i absolutely can't.


see now life sucks like that.

today i'll come clean.sorta.

i'm really tired. uni's tough and my combination is tough, albeit fun.
here everyone is gearing up towards studying for the final exams and i'm still doing presentations and projects and having tests, mid- term or otherwise.

i hate my south asian score, because i KNOW i deserved better, and so did, probably, everyone else who did that essay. i sound terribly bitter, and i am. the thing is, i'm convinced im rightfully bitter.

growing up's a pain like no one's business because then you can't act all slighted when something goes wrong, and you have to face shit, because all you can do (this comes with maturity, i think) is to submit to the fact that life is unfair, and live with it.

i dislike how the people i love and care for take advantage of this concern. i feel like i'm being made use of on so many occasions, but i KNOW that only i bring myself to that stage. such a sucker, i be.

i have to do the EU economic factors thing now but you see i'm not doing so.

i hate hate hate hate HATE that everyone around me has been making stupid meaningless promises that come to nought. without fail. these promises are what gave me hope for the future (i know this sounds damn drama. sorry lah, can't say it any other way) and now they're gone.

it's very easy to downplay issues not as relevant to you as to others, nevermind that they are people you care about. or in your case, people you're supposed to care about. it just makes the problems easier to dismiss. of course i'm not going to tell you i think you're a self- centred bigot. it's not worth my time telling you if it's not worth yours bothering.


i hate that i've been a jerk so many times. i always find myself tut-tutting the jerks i see on tv who tell lies that hurt, who care about only themselves, who cannot see beyond themselves and who are insensitive. i know i'm not so bad at all, but to some people, who do care about me, i'm such a piece of shit i can feel their disappointment in me. and i know i shouldn't be so, but i can't. i know, say it. i'm a chienne that way (FRENCH! haha)

over friendships gained, lost, withered, weathered, and treasured. i've been through a good number of them, and i've seen enough to know that friendships can last forever, they can be your life, they can make your life. but friendships can also, as is most often so, wither away, if not die. there's no point placing your eggs in one basket if the basket is gonna drop, or get stolen or lost. i don't mean to come off as so cynical. but it is true. and very often, we ourselves walk away. it's something about which we'll feel really bad, but we know we can't have it any other way. i've walked away from the best most wonderful people because i knew i had to. and of course, karma dictates retribution. today i found myself at the position i left some of my friends. it almost sucks that i don't feel bad like i should, because i just feel so apathetic, and i know that's even worse.

there are some mistakes i have made that i REALLY wish i could erase from my life. screw whoever said you'll regret nothing. that's only true when it affects only you. try it affecting peole you love and see how much you'll regret it.

there is no one in this world you can trust, no matter what books and magazines tell you, and no matter what you assume to be so. if there's anyone who can keep your deepest, darkest secret, it's your family, because you are them, as they are you. it doesn't work the same with friends, because as i said, friendships don't always last forever. and lovers? HAH get a grip. think carefully before investing time, energy, care or any emotion in a person.

i lie, a good amount. but only when it doesn't harm anyone.

as you grow older, see more, you'll realise the transcience of everything, or everyone around you. of course, you also reach that stage where you don't react to it anymore, because it doesn't make any difference.


so much for coming clean.

you know, it's so funny how we all (yes, me too) go on and on talking about hypocrisy being this really awful thing, and how we still go on being hypocrites ourselves, all the while denying it.


at this point, i don't know what to do. on one hand i'm fully aware of how bad things will get for my friend, and yet, on the other, i know i cannot tell him i know, because it is, after all, only a prediction that has the same probability of becoming true as that of being wrong. and after all, it's my friend's life. i don't want to seem like i'm imposing my views over it.
so i shall just wait for things to go bad and then help my friend out when my friend needs that help.
does that make me a cynic?



i used to fret about losing contact with friends who i don't meet often, but i think that's changed now. i'm glad. :)

so it's 1 at night and i'm supposed to be studying like a mad chick for my EU test so that i don't even have time for a water break and what do i do, instead?

i talk to h on the phone fo four hours, my sisters for two and watch three movies.
and there went my day.


so much for resolve, you lil shyte.


i MUST study and do well in this test! MUST MUST MUST!!!





i wish h would just open his eyes and see what's going for him, rather than what's not. stupid stupid boy. thank goodness i know better. i think.

i feel old!

how long has it been!


whoa dammit uni's much harder than anyone told me it would be. im really glad im learning what im learning coz it's really interesting, not like that stuff we did in jc (OHYEAH definitely!), but it's so so so so so hard! between tests and presentations and revision for the two and silly homework assignments i am forced to do i have very little time for socialising. in fact, have not gone out all of the last week! quite sad la, but i figure i better settle down and become a mugger or smthing. haha

so im sorry to all you people i keep promising to meet up with but always ruin your plans.


today i felt i had no friends :(
but then s and h changed it so yeay :)

might be getting tennis lessons from s soon. see how la.

i wanna tell h what i really think but there's no way that's gonna happen because men can be so stuborn sometimes, and always assume they know it all.


can i please notify everyone younger than me to please cherish your time as youngsters because growing up is HARD shit! you should try enjoying your age now, rather than mine. HAHA.




i wish we could all come clean about everything that's happened, that's been happening and hat i presume is gonna happen unless we do something abt it.


here it is, 2.30 at night, and here i am blathering nonsense because i have ceased to think since i finished and uploaded my powerpoint slides for the presentation tomorrow.


should i stay, or should i go?




funny how the situation seems so different when you're in it.
it works both way, friend.
your way, and mine.



i think singledom is rocking fantastic.
i fear growing old without anyone loving me, by my side, though.
i've been watching the grandparents who're here for a bit, and they're so damn loving man. it's very heartening to see.


i detest how some people can be so arrogant, especially if it's something not worth being arrogant about.





if it all falls apart, it's your fault.





i talk abt so many ppl here i wonder if i'll manage to remember if i ever were to be so bored one day i'd look at this again.




i think i can understand the magic of being a teacher, despite the horrors or having to mark, having to mark more than your load, dealing with crappy admin and irksome mentors, and of course, the daily shit some students can give you.
eventually, the students are yours to mould. if you can, that is.
they're yours to watch grow up and learn new things in school . who cares if they think they know it all. you know, and i know, they don't. maybe that makes them more amusing, even! ahah.
and yes, they're all refreshing. now how many jobs have that?


ahs was a good experience with the kids. the other stuff, however, has turned me off teaching forever.



i wanna be as rich as him and be able to lead my life on my terms, my way. first thing i'll do is buy a private jet, hire chris as my pilot and go to africa and south asia to distribute money so the bonded children can be freed. i think it's so DAMN SAD la! do you know for a meagre amt like 10 rupees (that's less than 1 buck sing dollars) a kid might be taken away by the person who's loaned the money to work for him until he can repay the money. the only thing is, these villagers are illiterate right, so they have no idea how the calculation is done and all. so the loaner basically gets slaves for that price. they kids work all their lives for about 16 to 20 hours a day, some when they can barely run properly. it's so sad.



it's really so sad.



this mind over matter thing is not really as hard as it seems. i've done it a few times! haha yeay!




thinking abt u now just gives me the creeps. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupid.






the folly of youth.

i found out today that thursday is probably my last day in ahs.

boy, i have this sinking suspicion that i'm gonna miss the kids, much as i never thought it would happen.


it's definitely been an experience.


everytime the classes ask me which is my best, i have no answer, simply because they're all different, special in their own way. sue me if this sounds cliched, but it's true!



and thence ends an experience i wish could have been just a bit different, but will not forget, ever.


it's only two more days.

two more days.


teaching gives you job satisfaction like no other career does, man.

shucks what kinda week has this been.


i tell u i think school is consuming my life.

can't wait for the holidays.

now dun get me wrong. i enjoy teaching the kids, crazy as it may sound. they're nice.



let's look at what's bugging me.

so i gave a all the scripts, ALL marked last monday. that was 11 days ago.
yesterday, he tells us he wants a meeting, it's an emergency.
and u never argue with the boss right. so fine. and obviously i was two hours late to get to town although i had planned it way in advance.

and he wants us to remark everything.
so like. ok.
and then.
he tells us he wants it done by 720 the next morning.

four classes.

somebody shoot him, or give him some common sense.


well obviously i din get it done.
and then the WHOLE of the morning he was scolding me, telling me off like i was an incokmpetent kid.
and he has no right to undermine my efforts, no right at all.

was so upset.

as were some of the other teachers. they told me to complain.. but what's the point right.


DAYME i was so pissed today.
thank goodness for kg and gr.

rah. i hope the whole dept realises the depth of his scumness. (so much for being an el teacher)


then had to rsh into 1f, so was still not all too composed. i hope they din realise.


will miss the kids haha.